Šemsa Mehmedović

SARAJEVANS WRITE DIARIES

I wrote a diary. I am one of those people who wrote a diary. Since first day when we left Dobrinja, the chetniks drove us out, I started to write a diary. I cannot explain why I was doing it but it was like some kind of ultimate need, I had to write. It was a space where I was trying to make it easy for myself, where I expressed my feelings. It was very hard for me, but not harder than it was for the others. My husband fought in the war and he kept coming and going back. Every time he left there was a terrible emptiness that had to find its place on the paper. When I remember certain situations, I feel that I'm about to start to cry. I wrote my diary until one day in 1996. It was the beginning of 1996. And I gave birth to our daughter. I waited for that moment for seven years. After we had a son, that miracle took place during the war. People were in despair, there was shooting all over the place, and I was the happiest person in the world. At the same time my husband got out of the army after four years of trenches, mud, and fear. My mother got back from Germany after 3 years and 7 months. Until that day I was writing my diary every day, but then I had to destroy that witness. I wanted to forget everything and put it behind me, because the most beautiful things were happening to me. We had no place to live, we were without material things, but I gave birth to my daughter and that was the most beautiful thing in that moment. I burned my diary. I wanted that, when the ship sank, that the water covers it and that no marks are left on our souls. We will keep it in our memory but we have to live on.